sometimes ...

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.

I read that somewhere. It was billed as a "short story", by a guy called Steven Wright. I collect quotes in a half-assed sporadic way. Anyway, it's not about me, but sometimes, hey, sometimes it could be any of us, right?

Or maybe it is just me. It could never be Mike, I know that. But come on, be honest, doesn't it resonate with you just a little?

I don't know who you are, of course. Don't particularly want to, truth be known. There's something about this whole cast a message in a bottle thing ... I don't know ...

Here's another quote - a bit more famous:

No man is an island,
Entire of himself.

Ok, don't quote me on that - it's just my memory of the quote, I may have got the odd word wrong. But I remember who wrote it: Donne. John Donne? Anyway, he was a poet, and a bishop too I think, about 300 years ago.

And he knew that people can't survive on their own. Hey, how many animals can? But humans are very very social, that's where we've put our energies. And I know I need people, but ... I guess I want it to be on my terms.

All about control, I guess. Well, isn't that a surprise?

a matter of trust

I heard this woman on the radio talking about a book she'd just written about bullshit. How much more there is about nowadays; the degrees there are. Like, bullshitting with your friends - that's just entertainment, right? Everyone know's it's bullshit, it's just to amuse. But then there's, uh, bullshit with malice, I guess we'd call it. Bullshit aimed at hurting other people, bullshit that's meant to be taken seriously (the line between bullshit and lying is clearly pretty fuzzy - I think maybe it's bullshit when it's harder to prove it's a lie. You know, like saying, "Yes, I've always wondered about Carl. Noone who talks so much about morality can really be that straight, don't you think?" I mean, you can't say they're lying about anything; there's nothing there to take hold of. But the implication sticks. Hard to fight.)

Anyway, the bit that really hit home with me was when she said she thought the level of bullshit from the politicians and, well, I guess everyone in the public arena, had got so high that it was expected - everyone just assumed people like that were bullshitting. And so there wasn't much trust in anything people like that said. She said that was why so few younger people vote or read the papers (I think the assumption is we might be better at recognizing the bullshit - we can but hope) . No trust.

And she talked about the consequences of that for society. I mean, when you think about it, society runs on trust. If we really, REALLY, didn't trust anyone, we wouldn't be able to get out of bed. I mean, how could you get in a car without trust that the other people on the road (most of them anyway) were going to obey the really important road rules, like staying on their side of the road?

And, paranoid as we've all gotten, we do assume that most people aren't going to arbitrarily walk up to us and knife us.

I was supposed to be thinking of something positive to say about humans, wasn't I? I'm not sure this turned out to be it, but ... hey, I know, here's one. Apparently a survey of global conflict has concluded that, despite America's gung-ho warmaking, the "number and intensity of wars and armed conflicts have fallen once again, continuing a steady 15-year decline that has halved the amount of organized violence around the world".

So, that's positive.

I wonder what would happen, though, if you added up all the people that die by violence?

my friends the rats

Did I tell you I have this part-time job looking after the rats in the psych department? Not that I'm a psych student - no, absolutely not, no way! Mike says if I don't want to go into therapy, I should learn some so I can do-it-yourself. I don't think it works like that, but it's true huge numbers take Psyc 101, and I reckon a lot of them do it because they think it will help them understand their own craziness. Me, I don't want anyone digging into my psyche, and that specially includes me!

I'm doing pre-Vet actually. And the Vet courses are not easy to get into, so even though I'm scoring pretty well, I figure it can't hurt to get some extra credit (in the broader sense of the word). Hence the rats. And of course, I need the money.

Anyway, I quite like the little buggers. Let's be honest, I've never met a non-human I didn't like! When I was a kid, I used to bring home hurt animals and doctor them up. Living in a city, even one like this, with lots of green around, the animals were usually domesticated animals gone feral, though I did get some truly wild animals, like possums.

I did stay away from rats though. Plague, rabies, and all those movies with the heroes trapped in subterranean tunnels and the red eyes glinting in the darkness.

The eyes are the worst, actually. I mean, lab rats, they're clean, reared in labs for generations, not like wild rats at all. I often let one of them sit on my shoulder as I fill the water bottles and give them their pellets. Freaks out any undergrad who sees me! The postgrads are more blasé, though they tend to screw up their noses.

Anyway, they're cute enough. Soft fur, twitchy whiskers that tickle my neck when one's on my shoulder, you can feel the strength in the long tail when it curls round your hand ... But the pink eyes most of them have (most of them being albino), I could do without that. Bit too reminiscent of the red eyes in the dark, I guess.

Got a bad rap, rats. Like pigs. I don't see where humans get off being so superior, anyway.

Oops. I'm supposed to be off the anti-human thing, trying to think of positive things to say about my own species.

Maybe tomorrow.

the roots of the apocalypse

The roots of the apocalypse
Lie in my heart.

Can I condemn the man
Who slakes his thirst
In others' pain?
Can I pretend
He is apart from me?
I am the victim,
And the one who
Feeds off griefs not his.

He who gives voice
To the torments
Within his broken soul,
Gives shape to
The seeds of my destruction.

I share his shame.

I cannot point the finger,
Say, in righteous tones,
"He is one who
Breaks another's spirit,
One who finds joy
In bringing others
To where his soul
In torment waits.
He is evil.
Strike him down.
Inflict him with the fate
He gives to others."

How can I point the finger?
We share a fate.
Victim and bloody murderer -
We were fathered both
By the same history.
What my brother does
I too can do.
The seeds of destroying joy
Cannot lie only in his soul.
The shadow of his deeds
Breathes form into
The deeds I have not done.

The roots of the apocalypse
Lie in my heart.

do you understand now, Mike?

happiness is ...

Came across this site on happiness the other day. Put out by some psychologist (ok, I'm a little wary of psychologists, but this guy's actually doing something useful - working out what makes us happy. And, presumably, how we can become happy.) He's written a book apparently, and, as I say, there's a website, which you can check out if you're interested.
Anyway, he reckons there's 5 different types of happiness: Positive emotion about the past; Positive emotion about the future; Pleasure (presumably that's a positive emotion about the present?); Gratification - and I'll give you the subtext on this one, cos it's not all that obvious: Flow, immersion, and total absorption in work, love, or play; and Meaning: Attachment to something larger.
So I was going through the list, as you do, right? And I thought, positive emotion about the past, scrub that; about the future, no, can't quite get the optimism thing yet (but I'm optimistic, right?); the present - well, hugely better than the past, but ... no, don't think we're quite there yet either (sorry, Mike) - too much baggage I guess. But the gratification one, yeah, that pushed my buttons. I thought, hey, I know that one, I'm into that. That's why I study so hard, eh? I get into my books, I get in the zone, and ... all that personal shit just goes.
I was, well, really happy, you know - that the guy, this happiness expert, included that in his types of happiness. I could think, hey, I'm happy. Well, a lot of the time. And who has more than that, right? Noone's happy ALL the time.
I think maybe I've got a bit of that other thing too - the attachment to something larger. Not religion! And not ... well, actually, I guess you could call it a cause. Not one anyone has ever heard of; probably not one anyone would approve of ... or maybe they would. Humans are a strange breed, and a lot of us aren't that fond of the human race.
Anyway, let's leave it at that, shall we? I've got a sort of a cause, or at least an attachment to something larger than me, and ... I guess it brings me happiness, too, in a kind of way. Gives me something to think about other than myself.
I guess that's the key, isn't it? Anything that takes me out of myself, away from thinking about myself, makes me happy.

on the lighter side

Okay, I promised you something lighter today, and here it is. Actually, I guess it's terribly un-PC of me to find it funny; it's a serious problem in Japan, and we should respect that. But, sorry, can't help it.
Apparently, young Japanese have been majorly offending the older generations with such rude behavior as ... wait for it ... swinging umbrellas, eating in public, crossing their legs on the subway, putting on makeup in public (that's the girls, right?). Wow! End of civilization as we know it.
Ah well, maybe it is. Maybe that's how it starts. First you're stuffing yourself with sushi in public, next thing you're mugging old ladies.
Zero tolerance, right?
I have to say, I was a little startled by the Prime Minister's stern warning to his MPs - no reading comic books in Parliament. Kinda worrying he needed to say that. I wish I thought the politicians in Japan were more childish than politicians in other countries, but, on what I've heard, I'd say not. And these are the people in charge of our lives; any wonder young people don't vote?
Gotta tell you what the Japanese are doing about this problem though. They are (naturally) setting up a commission of "experts" (experts on what I wonder) - well, that's what any red-blooded industrialized country would do. The fun part is what they've called it: the Study Group Relating to the Prevention of Behaviour that Causes Discomfort Among Numerous People in Public Places. It probably sounds better in Japanese.

back again

Ookay, getting started again - hey, are you so terrific with your New Year's resolutions? Anyway, I might have been in a car crash or something. Feel sorry for me then, wouldn't you?
Not that I want people feeling sorry for me. Farthest thing actually.
Okay, I'll tell you. Just to show you what an utterly pathetic loser I am. I got drunk. Okay?
What, for 3 months? I hear you ask.
No - this is where the pathetic bit comes in. I got drunk once, on one occasion. One night of it. And, to be technical, I didn't get drunk. I drank. One beer.
So I freaked out, okay? What's it to you?
Anyway, here I am, over my little hissy fit, raring to go. New Year's resolution 2: this is the first day of the rest of my life, and all that.
So, starting again. Hi, I'm Dave. Good to meet you.
You think this is a little schizo? Actually, being schizo has never worried me, not like Mike. I'm cool with the whole being two (or more) people thing; I figure we're all a bit like that. And you know, really, I think it's the people who never ... adapt to their situation, who are always the same, rigid personality whoever they're with, wherever they are, that you've got to worry about. Don't you?
So, being schizo's not one of my worries. Bet you can guess what one of them is, right? Yeah, the whole drinking thing. Just because my dad's a drunk
Oops.
Okay, I'm gonna let that stand. Being honest and all that shit. But I guess that's enough for today. Hey, I've started again, and I even managed a morsel of confession. Tomorrow we'll try for more fun.