breeding corruption

The annual list of perceived corruption is out. Canada's slipped again, which is really depressing -- but hey, at least we're still better than the US. And, of course, way way way better than Chad.

Not that that's saying anything. Poor sods.

The thing is, noone asks to be born in particular circumstances. I mean, rich people (people born rich) can go around feeling themselves mentally, morally, every-which-way, superior to the rest of us, but what did they do to be born rich? Absolutely nothing. Just like people born in the slums of Calcutta.

I guess that's where the whole Buddhist thing of reincarnation -- you get what you deserve from a previous life -- comes in; it's a way of justifying your good fortune or rubbing your nose in your bad luck (hey, you deserved it!). I never thought of that before, because, y'know, like most of us in the West, I always had vaguely good feelings about Buddhism, but that's really mean, isn't it?

I mean, I guess I can see the point -- if there really is no hope of you improving your lot in life, better to feel you did something to deserve it (maybe) -- but it's a bit defeatist, isn't it? I suppose the positive thing is that you think your behavior will alter your life next time round, which does, at least, do a good thing in encouraging people to behave. Maybe that's worth the nastiness of making innocent people feel they earned a rotten deal. I don't know.

Wouldn't it be nice if people didn't have to be bribed or threatened in order to act decently? Of course, it might be a self-fulfilling prophecy -- that leaders think people only respond to bribes or threats, so that's what they use.

breaking up is hard to do?

You can't, I'm discovering, just decide to completely change your personality, and have it happen, bang.

Okay, I wasn't talking about changing my personality, just my attitude ... the thing is, I'm beginning to see the difference isn't that clear-cut. I thought it would be easy. God knows I've spent most of my life pretending to be a happy-go-lucky, cheerful, optimistic, frivolous soul. So why should it be so hard to make it be for real?

Maybe that's the trouble. Maybe I'm too used to pretending.

I can pretend -- I still know how to do that. I guess ... I was hoping my pretending days were past. They were for a while. I don't know what's pushed me back to my old self ...

Yeah, I do, I guess. It's the whole Leanne thing. I want her in my life, but ... on my terms, I guess. Maybe I should just break it off.

my epiphany

Oh wow, I think I just had an epiphany. I was reading this article -- yeah, I know, I've zero time for Web-surfing, but there you go, I just ... well, you probably noticed from my last two blogs I've been a bit down lately, so I ... was looking up stuff about happiness. (I know, this is such a geeky thing to do; looking up solutions to your emotional problems on the net, but there you go, idle moment and all that).

Anyway, I came across this article, and noticed Seligman's name -- because he's like the guru of happiness, in a non-pseudoscience way. Now Seligman, it turns out, was the guy who discovered "learned helplessness", which is this state of mind you get into when you've been knocked about so much you just give up, and don't try to avoid even avoidable unpleasantnesses -- you know, the whole battered woman syndrome.

For reasons I'm not about to get into, the learned helplessness thing kind of ... resonated with me. Which is why this statement by Seligman had such an effect on me; he said that one in three subjects didn't develop the condition, whatever happened to them. They just kept on fighting back.

Sounds kinda stupid when I say it like that. I can just hear you (my mythical reader) going "duh". It's just ... I guess you have to be where I was to understand why that hit me like it did.

Anyway, I guess I always credited my survival to my brother (and hey, no way am I denying that), but I guess ... maybe ... I'm prepared to accept what he's always told me -- that maybe, just maybe, I had something to do with it too. And more importantly, that now it is up to me. If I want to be happy, it's up to me to make me happy.

Not really all that profound, is it? Oh well.

is it just me, or is the world out to get us?

I was reading about how all those dramatic reports of terrible behavior in the aftermath of Katrina in New Orleans were just the rumor-mill gone wild. They suggested it was so readily believed because of some deep fear of poor people. Personally, I don't think we can be blamed for believing them, because, you know, we were being told it was true by people we could be excused for believing were responsible, informed officials (like the mayor). But it is interesting that these officials so readily believed that things like that could happen. Personally, I think it shows the huge chasm between the people in charge and all the rest of us -- at least in New Orleans. But let's face it, New Orleans has always been notorious for its corruption and incompetence, so does this really say anything about the rest of America?

I don't know, it just seems one disaster after another these days. At least 30,000 killed in Pakistan's earthquake; floods in Romania; mudslides in Guatemala ... I don't know, it just seems to go on and on.

Sorry ... I was intending to be upbeat today ... I don't know what the hell's the matter with me. Tomorrow, dude.

i'm back

I can't believe it's been over two months since I touched this. I don't know why I stopped; I just got busy with other stuff, and then ... I lost the habit, I guess. And school started and all that.

But I've missed it. I'm not sure why -- I have plenty of friends, you know. It's not like I don't have people to talk to.

Maybe it's because it's relaxing to talk without worrying about the other person's reaction. You know, angst-ing over what people will think of you, or whether you'll hurt them, or whatever.

I don't know what's happening with me and Leanne (there's an interesting mental association -- and yeah, I guess worrying about hurting her is head of my list right now). I think she wants us to be closer, maybe not "commitment" as such -- okay, maybe that is what she wants. Or maybe she just wants me to open up more. But I don't think I can. I mean, if she realized how far I'd come ... how incredible it was I'd got so far with her ... but she doesn't, and I can't tell her, cos that would mean telling her all the things I can't tell her ...

You know, this really isn't helping.