moral dilemmas

You ever get that feeling you just want to roll back time? Of course you have; everyone has. Shit, I get it two or three times a week. This time though ...

It just keeps getting worse. I mean, Leanne's gran is getting better, and they think she'll be all right. Which is good.

Okay, this is the place for honesty, isn't it? Good is too un-ambiguous. It's a mixed blessing, that's what it is. If you can call it that, when what I really mean is that I still can't sort out in my mind what's the better outcome. Leanne has no doubts, and I love her for that, I really do. On the other hand, it's really not helping the family tension. When her dad suggested that maybe it would have been better if she'd never woken -- he was subtle about it! But that was what he meant, and I could see Leanne's mom agreed with him, even if she couldn't come out and say so -- I mean Leanne just blew. She was so mad.

But I could see their point of view. It's not like anyone ever gets better from Alzheimer's. It's all downhill. Leanne's not stupid, she knows that as well as we do. Is it just selfishness -- not wanting to lose someone you love? -- or is she right, when she says her gran deserves to live as long as she can. I'm not sure I believe in life at any price.

But I don't believe in death after life, either. You know, that's a weird thing -- why are the people who believe in life after death the same people who believe in life at any cost?

Okay, so not the point.

The thing is ... Leanne's mad at her parents because she thinks they think it would be more convenient for her gran to die. They're mad at Leanne for not seeing their point of view. I can see both sides, and that really doesn't win me points with my girlfriend!

There we go, another moral dilemma, breed like flies, don't they? When a friend can't see past their own opinions, are you obliged to point out their blindness, or does friendship mean you should support them whatever?

I guess it depends on the consequences. It's not like I want to tell Leanne her parents have a point just to be nasty; I hate seeing families torn apart like this, that's all.

And Mike's insistence that she didn't wander away without someone's encouragement really isn't helping!

I hope he's wrong

Apparently pathological liars have some kind of fundamental difference in their brains. Pathological liars just can't help telling lies, and presumably they get some sort of kick out of it. I don't know if a lie detector would be able to notice that -- I mean, they measure physical reactions that underlie nervousness, right? but excitement's just another kind of arousal. It's the poeple who don't react at all to lying who can pass a lie detector test.

I don't know why I'm rabbiting on about that, except I'm thinking about lying. I know Mike's good at telling when people are lying, but he's not infallible.

He's good at tracking too, but ... I don't think he'd make that sort of mistake.

Shit. I don't want to think about this.

Don't think I'm going to have a choice though. Leanne's going to be here soon. I'm really not looking forward to that. She freaked when Mike told us. Why did he have to do it that way? Why didn't he just tell me?

Okay, that's stupid. Then I'd have had to tell her. That would have been worse. Well, for me.

I can't believe I'm thinking about me. Maybe I just don't want to think about what Mike said.

At least he found Leanne's grandmother.

I wish he'd get here soon

Well, he agreed. Paul, that is. He doesn't know whether it'll work, but he's trying to call him. If only the guy would take a phone or something! But ... I guess there's only two things that he figures he'd need to know -- if either Paul or me needed him -- and he probably figures, in that slightly screwed up way of his, that he'd know that.

Sometimes I wish he was sane.

God, I feel a traitor saying that. I didn't even know I was going to. I should delete it I guess, but ... hell, I said it, and I guess it's true, and isn't this the whole reason I do this blog -- I mean, whatever I write about, what it's really about is ... therapy, I guess. Hey, it's not like anyone's listening.

Still, when Mike gets back I think I will ask him not to read it. He'll respect that. And that's pretty cool, that I can trust him that much. Only person on the planet. Well, apart from Paul I guess -- kinda the same thing.

I had Leanne sobbing in my arms last night. She really loves her grandma. No way can I even suggest that maybe this is the way she'd like to go. I feel lousy even thinking about it. But, really, if you felt your mind going, if you didn't know your family, you knew it was all just going to get worse ... sitting there in a diaper, brain out to lunch ... would you want to hang around for that?

I don't know. But I wish Mike would get here soon.

Don't know what to do

I don't know what to do. If Mike was here ... I really wish Mike was here. I bet he could find her.

I could get Paul to bring him home, I guess. I mean, I think he could do that. I don't know whether he would. And I don't know whether I should ask, for the same reason. I mean, I know Mike needs to get away sometimes. I really wish he didn't, but ... he does, got to accept that.

Just as well I told Mike I'd stopped blogging -- which was true, only here I am, back at it again. Not that Mike would read it if I asked him not to.

God, I'm burbling. I'm worried, and I don't know what to do. Leanne's frantic. I want to do something. And if her grandma's wandering about somewhere, she'll surely be dead from hypothermia or something soon. Of course, people ARE looking for her; they're bound to find her. I mean, how far can a demented old lady get? But there's some pretty wild territory on that side of the water, and if she got that far, they could hunt for weeks and not find her.

Mike could find her.

I guess ... what am I weighing up here? Mike's needs against someone's life? That's stupid, right? If he needs more time away, he can go back for chrissake. I'll ask Paul if he can call him back.