Give me animals any day

Here's a statistic to be proud of: apparently only adults in Turkey are less likely to accept evolution than American adults. God, I hope Canadians are a bit more savvy than that.

It's the level of scientific ignorance that gets me. Well, no it isn't. The level of ignorance makes me really depressed, but what gets me is the blinkered humans-are-special stand. Like, what's so damn special about a species that spends so much of its energy beating up on each other? This is special? These are what God created? Doesn't say much for God, does it?

Okay, I'm this far from ranting. I just ... Humans aren't my favorite species, you know? And don't say, you're human, because I've never found that the happiest thought.

Why I like animals, eh? Animals other than humans I mean.

Cooking

When I was growing up, my dad expected me to cook for us. So I've got sort of mixed feelings about cooking. When I went to live with Mike's family, when they became my family, I started cooking for them. It wasn't expected of me, I wanted to do it. It made me feel, like I was doing something to pay them back, I guess, but it wasn't only that. Cooking ... it's the whole taking-care-of-someone thing, I guess. Like I say, it's something I'm pretty mixed up about.

Anyway, I stopped doing it when I started pre-Vet -- Mom said I had enough on my plate, and I think she wanted me to ... not feel so tied to home. I don't mean she was trying to kick me out! Just ... she thought I should be more like everyone else.

That's a stupid thing to say. We're hardly all the same.

Anyway, I stopped. And last night I started again. And I enjoyed it. I like cooking for people I love, even if there is all that other stuff associated with it.

Good will needed

This Israel-Hizbollah thing is really getting to me. I mean it's the same old, old story, isn't it? The guys (and notwithstanding that woman British Prime Minister who started the Falklands war, it's almost always guys, isn't it?), the guys at the top lock antlers, and the poor schmucks at the bottom die.

The thing is, and I know I know nothing about the countries and the politics of it all or anything, but it doesn't matter where it happens, it's the same all over -- Bosnia, Northern Ireland, the Middle East, India and Pakistan ... There's no good will. Someone somewhere said something about there being nothing that couldn't be sorted out by men of good will -- but we never get that, do we? I guess the problem is that you don't rise to the top unless you're prepared to get your hands dirty, and naturally you don't trust anyone, because, hey, you know you're a bastard, stands to reason the other guy is too.

It's all about trust, isn't it? Or lack of it. And fear. But I'd have more sympathy for these guys if it was fear of the sort of things we're all afraid of, but what they're scared of is being powerless. America's scared of losing cheap energy; the Arab-Muslim world is scared of Western democracy imposing their own culture and rules on them.

You know, I read about something the other day. Some African country -- can't remember which one -- but they have this practice of giving young girls to the shrines to be "wives to the gods". Apparently they believe that when you've done something wrong that the gods might be pissed about, the whole family will be punished unless you give a girl to the gods. The girls are kept as virtual slaves in the shrines for the rest of their lives, never seeing their families again. And of course, you know what being a "wife to the gods" means -- the priest is the gods' proxy, right?

Anyway, my point is ... we think this sort of thing is appalling, right? Well, I do anyway. But to stop the practice, you're basically saying, hey, you're just ignorant peasants ... your gods aren't really going to make your whole family suffer if you don't sacrifice one of your daughters ... because, well, let's be honest, your gods don't exist.

I'm not saying that's what anyone actually says -- but that's what they're thinking, isn't it? Can you see how incredibly arrogant that is?

I don't know what the solution is. Some people think the world would be a lot safer if we didn't have religion, but you know what? I don't think it's religion that's the problem -- the problem is that people are always getting it into their heads that they know what God wants. God wants us to beat up homosexuals, God wants us to rule the world; God wants us to lock up our wives and daughters.

Strange that these things God wants are the same things men want.

So, yeah, maybe nothing would change if we took God out of the action, but for God's sake, stop using Him as an excuse!

out of the slough of despond

It wasn't as out-of-the-blue as I made it sound, yesterday. My waking in better spirits, I mean. Out of the slough of despond. Isn't that a great phrase? No idea where it comes from. Says it all though ... even if I don't really know what a slough is. It sounds ... slough-y.

Okay, wandering from the point. Day before yesterday, something happened. I knew Mike and Paul had been busy with something, but they didn't tell and I didn't ask. Which isn't like Mike, but I just figured ... well, that it was payback for me being so surly. Which isn't like Mike either, and I'd have known that if ... well, you know what it's like when you get mired in your mind. Or maybe you don't, in which case I'd just say, count your blessings!

So, what happened. They'd been building. They'd found this patch of land with this incredibly decrepit old house on it (they showed me pictures, and we're talking major dump here). It's shadowed by these huge trees, and is damp and dark. Some reclusive type lived there all his life, and then died intestate, or whatever you call it when there's no will and no relatives. Anyway, Paul and Mike got it real cheap (relatively speaking), and they've been fixing it up for Mike.

Well, I guess it was pretty obvious he couldn't continue to live at home ... tension's pretty thick. Maybe that's been affecting me more than I realized. I mean there's no shortage of love, but, well, probably best if Mike's not under the same roof as his mother and sisters. They don't really understand ... can't blame them for that ...

Didn't mean to get into all this. It's just ... I knew he had to move out. I guess I was afraid he'd go deep bush.

They've fixed up a room for me in it. Mike says there'll always be room for his brothers in his home.

And I guess that's why I woke up feeling like blogging again. Maybe tomorrow I'll even be feeling bushy-tailed enough to talk about what happened with Leanne.

First step

Isn't it weird how you can drag yourself through months of days absolutely focused on something, and then wake up one morning and, bam!, it's gone.

That wasn't what I meant to say. I meant to say, I've been avoiding
forgetting, I meant to say forgetting
this blog for months, and this morning I woke up, and ... I felt different ... from the way I've been feeling all this time. And now, sitting here at my computer, I suddenly want to blog again.

And what I've written tells me things I haven't realized until I wrote them, which is why I like doing this and, now I come to think of it, why I've been avoiding it all these months.

Yeah, avoiding, not forgetting. I kidded myself I'd forgotten about it, but I guess that isn't really true. And, yeah, I have been absolutely focused on work all these months, and I do that when I don't want to think about anything else. Work's always been a safe place for me to disappear into -- why I did so well at school, eh?

Well, it's been good for my grades anyway. And I've earned a lot of money this summer, so ... at least my time hasn't been wasted!

But, yeah, I've been dragging through the days, and I haven't let myself realize it.

Ah well, what do they say? First step is admitting you have a problem!

Maybe tomorrow I'll be up to talking about it. I think that's as much self-awareness as I can bear right now.

moral dilemmas

You ever get that feeling you just want to roll back time? Of course you have; everyone has. Shit, I get it two or three times a week. This time though ...

It just keeps getting worse. I mean, Leanne's gran is getting better, and they think she'll be all right. Which is good.

Okay, this is the place for honesty, isn't it? Good is too un-ambiguous. It's a mixed blessing, that's what it is. If you can call it that, when what I really mean is that I still can't sort out in my mind what's the better outcome. Leanne has no doubts, and I love her for that, I really do. On the other hand, it's really not helping the family tension. When her dad suggested that maybe it would have been better if she'd never woken -- he was subtle about it! But that was what he meant, and I could see Leanne's mom agreed with him, even if she couldn't come out and say so -- I mean Leanne just blew. She was so mad.

But I could see their point of view. It's not like anyone ever gets better from Alzheimer's. It's all downhill. Leanne's not stupid, she knows that as well as we do. Is it just selfishness -- not wanting to lose someone you love? -- or is she right, when she says her gran deserves to live as long as she can. I'm not sure I believe in life at any price.

But I don't believe in death after life, either. You know, that's a weird thing -- why are the people who believe in life after death the same people who believe in life at any cost?

Okay, so not the point.

The thing is ... Leanne's mad at her parents because she thinks they think it would be more convenient for her gran to die. They're mad at Leanne for not seeing their point of view. I can see both sides, and that really doesn't win me points with my girlfriend!

There we go, another moral dilemma, breed like flies, don't they? When a friend can't see past their own opinions, are you obliged to point out their blindness, or does friendship mean you should support them whatever?

I guess it depends on the consequences. It's not like I want to tell Leanne her parents have a point just to be nasty; I hate seeing families torn apart like this, that's all.

And Mike's insistence that she didn't wander away without someone's encouragement really isn't helping!

I hope he's wrong

Apparently pathological liars have some kind of fundamental difference in their brains. Pathological liars just can't help telling lies, and presumably they get some sort of kick out of it. I don't know if a lie detector would be able to notice that -- I mean, they measure physical reactions that underlie nervousness, right? but excitement's just another kind of arousal. It's the poeple who don't react at all to lying who can pass a lie detector test.

I don't know why I'm rabbiting on about that, except I'm thinking about lying. I know Mike's good at telling when people are lying, but he's not infallible.

He's good at tracking too, but ... I don't think he'd make that sort of mistake.

Shit. I don't want to think about this.

Don't think I'm going to have a choice though. Leanne's going to be here soon. I'm really not looking forward to that. She freaked when Mike told us. Why did he have to do it that way? Why didn't he just tell me?

Okay, that's stupid. Then I'd have had to tell her. That would have been worse. Well, for me.

I can't believe I'm thinking about me. Maybe I just don't want to think about what Mike said.

At least he found Leanne's grandmother.